Time Spent Wisely
by The Broken Idealist
Summary: She had been blessed with a thousand opportunities, and she had wasted them all. For such a smart girl, Levy could be really dumb.


When I look at the scars on my arms, I think of Jet and Droy, who were always by my side. When I look at the one on my forehead, I think of Lu-chan, who always knew what was on my mind. But I've never needed to find a reason to remember him. Even without looking at the scar over my heart from a wound that nearly cost me the meagre life I can claim as my own, I think of Gajeel Redfox. Not a minute goes by where thoughts of what could have been pierce my being like a white hot dagger.

These moments seem so long ago that sometimes I doubt that they happened in places other than my fantasies. Looking back now, the fact that I waster such precious time seems so foolish. We took for granted the laughter, the triumphs. Through all our against-the-odds victories, I suppose we had grown quite overconfident. That's the thing with people like me, like my rowdy family. We expect to remember the tears and life, yet we don't understand that we can remember the smiles and cry, too.

Maybe I should have let myself be a little more reckless. Maybe I should have jumped him, letting our lips crash together without any warning, just like the heroines in the books. Would it have hurt? His teeth are so sharp, after all. Perhaps I would have cut my lips. And yet sometimes I catch myself longing for that coppery taste. I want the mystery solved. But now, I guess I'll never know.

A certain day floods my memories as I reminisce of happier times. Closing my eyes, I immerse myself in their synthetic warmth and comfort. I allow myself to take the plunge and drown.

_A frightening man sat along the riverbank. With his chin resting on his palm, he lazily threw stones into the water. He enjoyed the plopping sound it made as it fell through the glass like surface. Contentment shone in his red, bloodshot eyes as he watched it sink to the bottom. He never got a moment of peace in that damn noisy guild. He needed some Gajeel time, away from the crazy mages, even away from his loyal cat. _

_He turned to his sole companion for the entire afternoon, a scrawny blunette with her nose buried in a book that was probably twice has heavy as she was. She sat closer to the shore, letting her feet enjoy soaking in the cool temperature. She was completely engrossed in whatever horror, action, mystery, or philosophy book was she was reading. She had completely shut off the entire world._

_Save, apparently, for him. "Why are you staring at me like that, Gajeel?" she asked, without looking up from the page._

"_I don't get how you can read so much," he told her roughly. He was obviously provoking her. He wasn't one who could enjoy silence for long._

"_I don't get why you won't read at all."_

"_Tch. Words. I let my fists do the talking for me," he said as he crossed his arms over his chest. _

"_To each his own," she shrugged. "But there's something about the enigmatic subtlety of words that just allures me." _

"_Shrimp, I have no idea what the fucking hell you just said." _

_She smirked. As he tried to work out what language she was speaking in, she slammed her book closed and walked away, purposely adding an uncharacteristic sway to her hips. She was pleased to feel his gaze stuck on her even as she was leaving._

When I was younger, much younger than I am now, I was guilty of judging people based on their level of culture, on their literacy. I completely ignored the fact that some people aren't given the same opportunities. As I belittled and ridiculed those who have never read a five chapter story book, he was busy scraping up a decent meal for himself. He had to fight for whatever he needed, while I was given all the books I wanted for Christmas, my birthday, and sometimes for no reason at all. Even after my parents died, I was immediately taken in by Fairy Tail, a guild that lived by a strict moral code and partied every day. He got into Phantom Lord, where he was taught to forgo the boundary between right and wrong.

Although, Neanderthal as he might have been, Gajeel was by no means an idiot. He was more of an ass. A really, really scary one. But to this day, I maintain that he was filled with marshmallow like emotions, all gooey and sweet. His thorns could not deter me from the rose.

Okay, I will admit that that was a completely unfitting analogy. He would kill me if he knew I was comparing him to a flower. Maybe candy, hard candy with soft filling inside –no. It's still wrong. It's useless, anyhow. Gajeel is Gajeel.

I take a deep breath as a dive into another time, another memory. While the world may have seen him as a monster, we who truly saw the son Metallicana raised knew what was inside.

_The Iron Dragon Slayer trudged into the guild with his shoulders slumped, dark rims around his eyes. He settled into a chair and demanded a beer. While Macao and Wakaba were outraged at his rude behaviour towards their angelic Mira, she nodded and wordlessly went to fetch him a mug. _

_The guild's bookworm was curious and worried. He never said much when he was there, except for some choice insults and obscenities, but he never looked inattentive. She went to sit beside his partner Exceed. Perhaps he could shed some light on the situation._

"_What's with Gajeel today?" She could think of a million scenarios as to what he might have been doing the night before, all ranging from taking down hundreds of Vulcans just for the heck of it to busting a band of pirates and stealing what they stole. _

"_Ah, don't mind him," Pantherlily smiled knowingly. "He's just tired. He didn't get any sleep last night."_

"_Why?"_

"_He was at Wendy's." _

"_Why? Were they discussing Dragon Slayer things?" Levy was ashamed to admit that she felt a little threatened by a twelve year old girl._

"_No. Wendy was having nightmares." _

"_Oh," was all she could say. "What were they about?"_

"_Different stuff. Mainly Acnologia but she's been through a lot. It's actually been a regular thing, lately. Erza lets him into Fairy Hills to cheer her up. He tells her some stories. All G-rated, surprisingly." _

"_I don't hear him come in," she said, feeling stupider with every sentence. _

"_That's a surprise. The other day he endured Juvia's tear filled rant about unrequited love," Pantherlily said. The cat was happy to have such an enthusiastic audience. _

"_Gajeel sat through that?" she was thoroughly shocked. The man who was just as sharp and dangerous as a blade turned out to act as a part time agony aunt. _

"_He has a soft spot for her. Actually," Lily added slyly, "I think he might have a soft spot for blunettes in general." Levy blushed. She knew exactly what he was implying._

"_If Mystogan comes to me whining about his sexual orientation, I'm going to rip his head off." Gajeel's voice was muffled through his arms. Levy chuckled as she slid off her stool. _

"_You're such a big softy, Gajeel."_

I was never his best friend. That honour went to our resident Water Mage, Juvia Loxar. I've never once had thoughts of her having anything other than the closest platonic bond with him. Her devotion to Gray breaks boundaries I didn't even know existed. And yet I envied her for her ability to get him to open up. They shared their time while working for Phantom. They frequently partnered for missions together.

The fact that he spoke more to Pantherlily, to Wendy, heck, even to Natsu bothered me. I was getting more and more possessive with each sunset. I wanted to dominate his time. Finding the little boy within him was becoming my obsession. Did he ever cry? Did he ever lose himself? How many pieces of broken glass lay behind the indestructible exterior? Gajeel, who was a closeted shoulder to cry on; did he need his own rock?

I wanted to be his staple, but scared, scared Levy couldn't muster up enough courage to say more than a few casual words to him. Those are questions I can never answer now, desires that can never be quelled. Stupid girl.

I make my way up to the surface as I start to lose oxygen. But before I can reach my destination, something grabs me. Kicking, punching and scratching, I try to force it to let me go. My Solid Script magic is useless because as I try to utter even a few words, water floods into my mouth and I start to choke. The monster's grip on my ankle tightens, snaking to my arms and waist. Its claws dig into my skin, drawing drops of red blood that dilute into the water. Its touch is so cold, so distant that it reminds me of an unforgiving metal floor. It yanks me back down to the bottom.

It hurtles me back to a day I've completely disregarded as a bad dream, an impossible nightmare. The entire thing is just too surreal as I watch it, my mouth falling agape. It really happened. The unfading scars on my stomach are enough proof, no matter how long I've ignored them. It's been too long, too long.

"_You were amazing, Levy!" Jet gushed as he walked alongside the petite mage. She blushed and thanked him for his generous, if highly exaggerated, compliment._

_The man on her other side refused to be outdone. "Just amazing? Levy was brilliant! She was unstoppable!" The two started to bicker. Levy, as always, was stuck in between them as they argued. She felt obligated to act as mediator since she was the cause._

"_Guys, it was just library inventory," she started, but Droy cut her off. _

"_It was a huge library, Fiore's National Historical Archive! You got the job done in half the time!"_

_She couldn't contradict that. She had been flying around the palace like structure, itching to spend an eternity locked up in there simply so she could devour every piece of literature she could get her hands on. The musky smell of old paper, dusty book covers, and the sound of rustling paper. She was in her element. _

_Suddenly the air around them tensed, and she felt her body start to tremble. _

_A lone man with wild black hair and metal piercings on his body stood in front of them, blocking their path. He stared at them with hunger, indicating that only one thing was on his mind: bloodlust. The two men instinctively sidestepped to shield their fragile leader, but she could see that they too were frightened. Who was he, this man who could strike fear into your heart so easily?_

_Everything happened so fast. The next thing she knew, she was crying over Jet's unconscious and mangled body as the man pummelled Droy into a bloody nothing. She was screaming herself hoarse, begging him to stop. But it was if she didn't exist. She had never felt so helpless before. She had tried using her magic, using every offensive move she could use, but he would dodge them all. Sometimes they hit him, but they were merely flies crashing into his body. He continued to maim her teammate whose life looked to be hanging on a thread. It was going to snap. _

_When he finished, he threw his victim to the side. Levy froze as she noticed his attention transfer to her. Her crying had stopped, but she felt the tears stream down her face like an angry river. Her heart beat rapidly increased its speed as he made his way toward her. Running would be pointless. So she steeled herself to take the pain. She should have said goodbye to everyone in the guild when she left that morning. _

_His hand found her throat, and he lifted her up like a ragdoll. She sputtered and choked as his grip tightened. "Remember my face, fairy," he hissed at her cruelly. She willed herself to raise her head and spit between his eyes. _

_The last thing she saw was the cruel twist of his mouth before everything went black._

The knot in my chest tightens. The creature has let me go, but the damage has been done. I know what it is. The monster is Gajeel. I remember now why I fear him, why **I hate him**. Gajeel will always mock me when I need comfort. Gajeel will always hurt me, whether or not he's gone. Gajeel will close the doors even if I've bared him my soul. Gajeel will leave me, always exactly when I need him most.

Good riddance to him, to his arrogant smirk, to his sadistic love for violence. He took with him the pain of love, a feeling so horrible it almost destroyed me. Love is the root of all evil. It brings forth jealousy, hate, insecurity, distrust, unfaithfulness, abandonment. All the tears, all the hours I spent crying over how much of a coward I was because I wasn't good enough. They left with him.

And that feeling was replaced with a whole new brand of pain. I see my mistakes so clearly now. Knowing that I could have prevented them and made better choices, if not for my own ignorance, cuts me like a knife. But in some matters, there was really nothing this tiny body could do. I don't claim to be as powerful as Laxus, as noble as Erza, or as selfless as Natsu. It was never really in my power to save them. The events of that day would have turned out the same way as they have.

I despise him. He shattered me, and then weaselled his way into my good books. He never took me seriously, and then acted like a contorted version of Prince Charming from my fairy tales. He underestimated me. He made me underestimate myself.

A warm hand reaches out to me from the darkness. Callused fingertips gently brush across my cheek, causing me to shiver. Kindness like this has lost its familiarity. They trail down my arm, intertwining themselves with mine. This intimacy is so foreign. It rekindles the flame of joy that has died inside me. A beautiful and other-worldly stranger steps out of the shadows. He smiles at me, his mouth filled with a predator's sharp teeth.

He leads me down my trail of thoughts. Images throw themselves at me from every direction. They engulf me separately, yet at the same time. Every blush, every grin, every smug look and bit of playful banter is mine for the taking. Again, I have proven myself to be an ungrateful little bitch.

This angel, who I also know is Gajeel, looks at me sadly. He reluctantly lets me go at the end our or journey. I desperately try to hold on to him, yet he can't stop it. He fades into oblivion. It doesn't matter. I'll see him again soon.

I swim back to the shore, readying myself to return to Earthland. I must let go of fiction, of my nostalgia, and get back to the biting facts of the real world. It is with these escapes that I keep myself from going mad. Sometimes I just want to give up and surrender. I know I can't win. But it's for tomorrow that I fight. It's for little Asuka, who has seen and lost more than she should have at her tender age.

It's time for me to be strong on my own now. For my sake, and the sake of others. I bid him a temporary farewell, thanking him for giving me the power to carry on.

It was he who controlled his urge to fight back despite my team's goading. It was he who ran in front of me as I was about to get struck by lightning. It was he who became my partner at Tenroujima Island. He promised to make me big and strong, and he kept his word. Gajeel always keeps his promises.

The only one he broke was the promise to come back to me.

_Gajeel, who I loved, is dead._

_So is Levy. But she'll do her best to keep on living. _

* * *

A/N: I had get this out of my system before studying. I might be going brain dead. Emo Levy makes me laugh.

This angsty was necessary for me after the fan service and shippy-moment filled latest chapter. It was hilarious and made me worry about my spleen bursting, but I had to remind myself that Mashima could very well break our hearts in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this! Reviews, as always, are very much appreciated.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FAIRY TAIL._  
_


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